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(no subject) [May. 26th, 2005|03:56 pm]

do it.
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is it over? [May. 26th, 2005|03:04 pm]
[mood |crappycrappy]
[music |greenday. ah.]

hey kids.
the funeral was open casket. i dont think i will ever properly recover.
reading yesterday...a good time.
hate my mother more than ever...although there were times when i doubted i could hate her any more, ive now gone above and beyond my further feelings of said hatred.
scott called. i listend to him explain the different between anal sauce and anal juice. as if i care. but he made me laugh, and i was kind of glad to talk to him anyways.
my dad is homeless. hes hanging around my grandfathers right now, and my heart is broken for him.
life sucks.
today at school i did absolutely NOTHING for almost three solid hours...third and fourth block. nothing.
lost my glasses. shit.
i feel as though im going to burst into tears at any moment, without warning.
i wish spencer would call me or something.
friday kids, friday.
sleep now.

oh yeah, aaaaand im going to get new journal. the username will be MEMMONS. or memmons. or something of that nature. and its going to look exactly like this one, because im just going to copy and paste all the codes over. im sick of this bullshit emo username.

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yet another tragedy of me. [May. 18th, 2005|01:14 pm]
[mood |indescribabledepression...]

i dont if any of you guys watch the news. but.

im not looking for sympathy. i dont need a bunch of comments saying how sorry you all are about this. it isnt going to help me. crack a joke. make me smile. dont pity me.

this is kind of like a complicated sorry in advance...if i snap at you, or if i call you something, or if i just completely break down and am inconsolable anytime in the near future, it is not your fault. and there isnt anything you can do, so, i apologize. but this is whats happening right now:

Monday night, at around 11:00, a man knocked on the door to my uncles apartment. my aunt told him to go away. so he left, but came back with three other guys. they broke in through the back, and said they wanted "the drugs". they shot my uncle, and then my 16 year old cousin amy. they are both dead. out of the four men responsible, only two of them have been caught. on tuesday, they were arrested and arraigned for two counts of murder, each. it turns out they had the wrong address. they had the wrong house.

i watched the news yesterday, and the people who did this were behind screens in the courtroom, to "protect their rights". my family is dead. that was my blood pumping through those veins, mine. i watched them physically drag my cousin sean out of the courtroom, it took four police officers and two more waiting at the door to get him outside. and ive never been more proud of anyone in my life.

i want the people who did this to suffer. every day, for the rest of their miserable lives. and if bobby and kenny have it their way, neither one of those bastards are going to live long enough to see prison.

i dont really know what to do with myself. i spent entire summers with amy. as much as we fought, and as much as i said i hated her...i grew up with her. my uncle was like a second father to me...and jared. he had just survived a massive stroke, only to be killed in his own house?

ive been fed the "god wanted them" line so many fucking times now. what kind of god is this that people pray to? what kind of deity, or higher power, or divine fucking being gives a man a second chance at life, only to snatch it away again? what is that?

i hurt. so badly.
and i need my friends right now.
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for lack of a better phrase: et tu, dear heart? [May. 16th, 2005|04:07 pm]
[mood |crappycrappy]
[music |green day. ah.]

honest to god you guys, i have nothing to put in here anymore except a long list of useless ocmplaints.
and theres so goddamn much shit going on in my head, it would take me two weeks to think it all out just so i could write it down anyways.

so i shall put it in list form:

1. pissed off at alan. eventually, this will fade. but for now, i feel insulted and have decided to deal with it accordingly. i havent really figured out how to define "accordingly" yet, but ill think of something.
2. passing american studies by one measley point. crap.
3. no chance of honor roll, no chance of college acceptance. which sucks. but hey.
4. fell in love all over again with chicago.
5. i think maybe im upset over pinkster, also, because she just allows alan to let her down again and again. i dont know. its kind of not my business either, but it kind of affects me because i want to stick up for her as much as i can, and its like she ignores it. and i KNOW that this perception is LUDICROUS. it makes no sense. im just being pushy and overprotective and stupid. but i cant really help it...i have this unfailing loyalty to my friends and feel betrayed if they dont cherish it, although they didnt ask for it either. i dont know. im just being selfish. i saw her asking alan about bowling on friday, and it made me want to throw up, how shes so fucking nice all the time and cant be mad when she has a marvelous reason to be.
6. i hate everything. friends that ditch best friends for girl friends falls under that category; "everything".
7. dearly beloved are you listening? i cant remember a word that you were saying. are we demented or am i disturbed? the space thats inbetween is sane and insecure.
8.Dave Matthews tickets: $90. bribing john to convinve mom to let me go: $20. not even HAVING A FUCKING RIDE TO IT: PRICELESS.
9. everything is shit.
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my name is... chka-chka fat shady [May. 2nd, 2005|03:54 pm]
[mood |crappycrappy]
[music |fuel. new addiction.]

my name chould be fat shady. cousin of chubby spice.

so anyways. vacation was a big steaming pile of shit.
saw some bitchin sanborn kids that i dont talk to down at the beach.
played on the playground. oh yeah.
found a condom on a bench near that outdoor stage.
i dont know what it is with me and condoms. i find them everywhere. maybe god is trying to tell me something.


yeah in case you havent noticed i hate myself more than ever lately.
i read Girl, Interrupted and it was not at all what everyone made it out to be. i wanted to pee on it when i was done. it was a bunch of stupid psycho-babble and some derranged chick burning herself with a cigarette. crap.

i read it just today, actually, and have decided not to finish all the dumb shit at the end of it.
i also had to kick and scream and drag myself through THE FUCKING RED BADGE OF FAGGOTRY. my gawd what an awful book. why do teachers pick books that immediately begin with 50 pages of NOTHING?! do you guys remember lord of the fleas? NOTHING!!! or that purple finchy one, with attucks or whatever the hell his name was. and boo bradley. that whole fucking thing was NOTHING.


i hate everything. my cell phone goes off every ten minutes now, some 433 number. but i cant answer it. i called it back on my house phone and some girl answered, and i think its a college.
im a sophomore. honestly.
ive decided to let the battery just run out, and then i wont have to listen to it anymore. but my stupid mother says she wants to be able to "get in touch with me" (this translates into "call and nag and bitch and be a big fat stupid face") whenever she'd like, so she keeps plugging it in. so ive hidden it in my underwear box for now. until is has finally died. i turned the ringer off, but the thing flashes and crap too. so. its hidden. hopefully i will forget i have one, and fifty years from now i will clean out my underwear box, and there it will be, and i will sell it as an antique and all will be right with the world.

underwear box. ive just noticed how odd this must seem to all of you, you NON-UNDERWEAR BOX USERS. i havent got a bureau. i have hutch (which is a nice term for dilapitated kitchen furniture) thats got shelves on it and a cabinet with some more shelves underneath. and i keep my underwear in a box on one of these shelves. and thus it is my underwear box.

ok kids. thats enough about my panties.

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and i'll just dance... [Apr. 25th, 2005|03:14 pm]
[mood |boredbored]
[music |ah. ah ha ha.]

yeah. anyways.
these week is going to blow big hairy sweaty BALLS. because my mother also blows big hairy sweaty BALLS.

not that i know of anyone who would actually let her do that.

ok thats gross.

big huge orgy/slumber party at leas, and could i go? of course not.
big ginormous orgy/sex fest at alans tonight, too. of course i cant go to that one either.

apparently, i am a HERMIT. a social RECLUSE. i havent got any friends a-tall as far as dear mummy is concerned.

well i dont like her either.

enough bitching.

this weeks trivia question:
how can anyone not notice when someone is completely in love with them?

ten zillion bonus points, kids. come. on. ill even you free frequent fucking flyer miles with that one...

ok actually there are two trivia questions: is it wrong for white people to say "nigga"?

cuz if so

woot nigga woot.
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a sock, a diet pepsi bottle, and a whirligig for good fucking measure (twelve) [Apr. 14th, 2005|03:35 pm]
[mood |crazycrazy]
[music |goo goo dolls. oh emm gee.]

what a sap i am.
i am completely, and totally, one hundred percent in love.
well, technically, its more like a 50 percent thing...

i HATE having a CRUSH on someone.
WHAT an unimaginable inconvenience. WHAT CRAP.
sophomore dont have crushes. fourth graders have crushes.

i am going to hell for this, i just know it.

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id give up forever to touch you [Apr. 12th, 2005|05:33 pm]
[mood |mellowmellow]
[music |goo goo dolls...a new addiction, perhaps?]

you and i got somethin but its all and then its nothing to me. so anyways.

girls writing was pretty good today. i wrote an ok peice about this friend i DID have, but suddenly she was way too cool for me. it made me realize that in every single clique we have in highschool, there is one person who ditches the rest of them. i mean, its inevitable. now i think: thank that person wasnt me, and i grew up but im still meghan. well, technically, im memmons now. but still.

i have a crazy number of people in my house right now. and this keyboard needs a labotamy or something...however the hell you spell that. ive got a ton of homework i should be doing, but i cant seem to concentrate on anything.

angels fall without you there.

i kind of miss scott.
im kind of a loser.

and i love you. i hope you dont mind that a loser like me has such a crush on you...not that youve noticed. but hey.

muchos grande <3, though scabbed and scarred.
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(no subject) [Apr. 11th, 2005|04:10 pm]
[mood |tiredtired]
[music |goo goo dolls"black balloon"]

my fucking cat got out, and now everyon in my house is having a fit.

what the fuck. im glad shes gone, shes supid and annoying and smells like a twat. ho needs a cat? i have bruno. bruno is a much better friend.

friday was amazing. alan, if only you didnt have a penis, and i did. i atually think it was supposed to be that way.. you are a such a hot chick.

so. four people had birthdays this week, and i didnt get anybody anything. i feel guilty. rich, but guilty. instead of going to danielles sixteenth, i went to seans thirty-seventh. wonderous. im sorry danielle, ill get you skittles or something, ok? skittles are cool.

my keyboard is insanely fucked up.
and so im going to give up typing.
and go do homework.
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(no subject) [Apr. 7th, 2005|12:55 pm]
[music |mamas, i been stealin your babies....]

ive noticed lately that i seem to be losing touch with a lot of people. very, very slowly. but still. it really sucks.

i havent heard from kaci in FOREVER. and i dont want to call her because whenever i do, we have nothing to talk about and that makes me sad. and scott....oh jeeze. its like he dropped off the planet. and im not sure if this is good or bad yet, but i still kinda miss him. i called spencer yesterday, to wish him a happy birthday, and i havent heard from him iiiiiinnn....two weeks or so. at least. and for some reason matt isnt really talking to me. maybe its this huge, anti-memmons conspiracy, and pretty soon NO ONE will love me.

but anyways.

its that time again kids, time for biology.
im so not going. or i will, ill just duck in and out a few times on important business that takes me thirty minutes or so to complete each time. like, going to the bathroom. or going to get some water.

tutoring today. what fun.

ok. much <3, though reserved.
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